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Condolence Messages: What to Say and How to Say It
Find sincere words for a text, an email or a card. Start with a short message below, then choose the situation that fits.
A few words you can use
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
I'm thinking of you today. Please don't feel you need to reply.
I don't have the right words, but I care about you and I'm here to listen.
Messages that work for almost any loss
When you are not sure where to begin, these are warm, safe and easy to adapt.
I'm holding you and your family in my heart. There's nothing you need to say back.
Thank you for letting me know. I'm so sorry, and I'm here in whatever way helps.
I'm thinking of you as you find your way through the days ahead. I'd be glad to keep you company if you would like.
I am so sorry for the loss you and your family are facing. Please accept my deepest condolences.
I'll be thinking of you in the weeks ahead, too.
For a text message
Texts can be warmer and more casual. Keep them short and make it clear they don't need to answer.
Just heard the news and I'm so sorry. No need to reply. I'm thinking of you.
I'm so sorry. Can I drop off dinner tomorrow? I can leave it on the porch if you'd rather not talk.
Sending a big hug. I'm around whenever you want company or quiet.
I don't have the right words, but I love you and I'm here.
For an email
An email gives you room to say a little more. These can open or close a longer message.
Dear [Name], I was very sorry to learn of your loss. I wanted to write and let you know that you are in my thoughts, and to say that I'm happy to help in any way that would be useful.
Dear [Name], please accept my sincere condolences. I hope you feel supported by the people around you.
Dear [Name], I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. There is no need to reply to this note. I simply wanted you to know I care.
For a handwritten card
A card is something people keep. Formal or traditional wording is welcome here.
With deepest sympathy and heartfelt thoughts for you and your family.
May the love of those around you bring comfort in the days ahead.
Our hearts go out to you and your family. We are thinking of you as you remember [Name].
Holding you in our thoughts and wishing you comfort in the days ahead.
Choosing the right kind of message
A good condolence message does three simple things: it says you are sorry, it shows you are thinking of the person, and, if you mean it, it offers something specific. It does not have to be eloquent. Most grieving people remember who reached out far more than what exactly was said.
Start with your relationship. A close friend or family member can be personal, share a memory and offer practical help. A coworker, neighbor or acquaintance is better served by a short, warm note that doesn't pry. If you are writing on behalf of a team or company, keep the wording formal and kind.
Then think about how you will send it. A text suits a quick first reaction. A handwritten card is something the family can keep and reread. An email works when you need to say a little more, or when you are writing in a professional setting. Many people send a text first and a card later.
Finally, think about timing. Send something as soon as you hear. If you are late, send it anyway. Support usually fades after the funeral, so a note a few weeks later is often the one that means the most.
You do not need to know the perfect words before reaching out. If you are unsure what to write, start with a plain acknowledgement and keep the focus on the person who is grieving. Avoid asking for details about the death unless they choose to share them. A message can also be useful after the first few days: mention a specific date or task when you can check in, and do not make the person responsible for keeping the conversation going.
- Say you are sorry in plain words.
- Use the person's name if you knew them.
- Add one honest, personal line rather than several general ones.
- Offer one concrete thing you can do.
- Tell them not to feel they must reply.
What not to say
- "I know how you feel." Even similar losses feel different to each person.
- "They're in a better place." Only say this if you know the person shares that belief.
- "At least..." Anything that follows these words tends to minimize the loss.
- "Everything happens for a reason." This can sound like an argument against their pain.
- "Let me know if you need anything." It leaves the work to the grieving person. Offer something specific.
- "You'll feel better soon." Grief has no schedule.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between condolences and sympathy?
The two are used almost interchangeably. Condolences are the words you offer to someone who has lost a person they love, often more formal. Sympathy is the feeling behind them. A condolence message and a sympathy message can say the same thing.
What do you say in a condolence message?
Say you are sorry for their loss, mention that you are thinking of them, and add a short personal note or an offer of help. For example: "I'm so sorry about your loss. You're in my thoughts, and I'm here whenever you need me."
How long should a condolence message be?
Two to four sentences are enough for most cards, texts and emails. A short, sincere note is never too little.
Is it okay to send condolences by text?
Yes. A text is a good way to reach someone quickly, especially if you are close. If you can, follow up with a card or a call later.
What if I didn't know the person who died?
Be honest about it and focus on the person who is grieving. "I never had the chance to meet her, but I know how much she meant to you" works well.
Is it too late to send a condolence message?
No. A message weeks or months after the loss can mean a lot, because messages and visits often become less frequent after the funeral.